90% of all betesticled anime characters look like girls. Many have six-pack abs yet act like complete pussies. Only one part of the body never lies: sideburns. In this dark age of androgyny and pedophilia, sideburns are the only reliable indicator of manliness. Thick, thin, long, short, neat, sloppy, straight, tapered—as long as you have sideburns, you are a man.
Rugged manly
Iron-manly
Smooth manly
Suave manly
Gruff manly
Nabeshin manly
Progressively manlier from right to left
Award-winning manly
Speedo manly
Epic manly
The manliest sideburns in the universe
The only real-life Japanese man I’ve ever seen with sideburns just so happens to be their best baseball player. Coincidence? I think not.
But Baka-Raptor, what about beards?
Beards are manly, but sideburns are manlier. Just ask Peter the Great, who implemented a beard tax as part of his scheme to modernize Russia. Sideburns were exempt.
But Baka-Raptor, what about dinosaurs?
I present to you X. Drake, a badass dinosaur-pirate so manly I’m almost tempted to give One Piece a fourth chance.
But Baka-Raptor, what about lesbians?
Even lesbians recognize the vital contribution of sideburns to the human anatomy.
Of course, men don’t have to have sideburns. And of course, men could always end up looking like Watanuki.
Current Status: Just good enough to tap into my 108-post draft folder and finish off some of the quicker ones.
Needs more Watanuki-esque characters with no sideburns to make a completed argument
Do you watch anime? Like, at all?
I’ll admit it, you had me looking in the mirror after this post, thinking about what a nice pair of sideburns might do for me.
Here are but a few ways your life will change once you grow sideburns:
– Women will adore you (though they may be too intimidated to approach you)
– Men will respect you
– Criminals and wild animals will avoid you, unless you’re hunting them, in which case they’d be honored to die by your hand
– Withered plants will once again bloom as you walk past them
– You’ll save on shaving cream
I will now be putting every single sideburned anime character I see to the manliness test and consulting you with all outliers.
And I’ll be visiting every barn in America to see if pigs fly
HOLY SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT THE DINOSAUR IN THE BLOG HEADER IS BLIND
Miles from FMA: Brotherhood has badass ‘burns as well. They’re more like deadly weapons than sideburns, actually.
Same with Kabuto Koji:
Has anyone given any thought to sideburn fencing? Could be a pretty badass sport … then again, it could also be super homoerotic.
I’m all for that!! XD
Most hilarious post i have read on the internet in a LONG time XD
Yeah, it has been a while since I last updated.
Maes Hughes from FMA. Best character in the show. Has sideburns.
I don’t need any more convincing than that.
Hughes has fantastic sideburns. That’s why they killed him first—he was clearly the greatest threat.
As an Asian who would like to grow sideburns but can’t, I will say that I only wish I could be as manly. Too many bald spots though.
Wait, you have bald spots on your sideburns?!?!?!
Well, more like spots where hair will not grow, which is why I can’t grow a beard/sideburns. Plus it’d be way too thin. Damn.
Can you at least grow kiddie sideburns?
I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.
Yes.
http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt152/robertweizer/CommieHeroman-03E5EEFB76mkv_snapsho.png
have some presidential sideburns
Obviously the problem is Secret Service agents lacking sideburns.
I bet they shave every five minutes to hide their power level.
Oh, so that’s where all the tax money is going. The shaving cream bill must be enormous.
No wonder he got elected.
pfft, my dick has sideburns
You might want to get that checked out…
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b269/MetalSonic700/n512187143_1553922_2675-1.jpg
It’s hard to get it thicker and further down the jawline, but it certainly feels good to try.
3/4 the way down the ear is perfectly good sideburn length. Even half-way can be plenty. Nobody’s expected to grow a pair of Golgos.
True manliness is more about actions than appearances, although there seems to be correlation between manliness and sideburns.
That’s because sideburns do help you in battle. They’re scientifically proven to help with balance, camouflage, and impact absorption. A real man wouldn’t be vain enough to shave himself into a disadvantage.
I’m proud to say I have sideburns.
I’m proud to say I have a reader who’s proud to say he has sideburns.
Some sideburns are just weird…actually, many sideburns are pretty weird. Especially in anime.
However, since you used Isaac in this post, I will totally endorse it.
You’re really asking for it in Round 2…
Ha ha, I’m already doomed for round two. orz;;
Going to pull pranks anyway though. ;3
BOOM BITCH
http://myanimelist.net/character/1141/Yuuichi_Tate
http://myanimelist.net/character/4052/Takumi_Tokiha
Tokiha Takumi and Tate Yuuichi, BOTH of the most major male characters in Mai-HiME are the most worthless, bitchy, pussy-ass characters in the show, routinely dominated by the performances of the kick-ass babes. Takumi in particular is known for being the bitch in his relationship with Akira and Yuuichi is just a bitch all-around.
BOTH HAVE SIDEBURNS.
In addition, I can’t believe you did a post about manly guys with sideburns and didn’t include Lupin, the most famous pair of sideburns in anime history.
I had a Lupin pic in my sideburns folder, but it didn’t have a great angle. I was too lazy to find another pic.
First of all, Takumi doesn’t have sideburns. The hair drooping in front of his ears clearly originates around eyebrow level.
Now, Yuuichi, he definitely has sideburns. Very nice sideburns I must add. And yes, the girls are the stars of the show. But Yuuichi acts as a source of stability to Mai and Shiho while they turn emo. That’s a manly role. I never disliked Yuuichi. Whenever I get around to rewatching Mai Hime, I’ll take closer look at him to make sure he’s legit.
When I was rewatching the show about a year ago I couldn’t stand Yuuichi… he’s totally useless and whines a lot. But I didn’t finish that rewatch either…
this was a post that needed to be made. because all male characters without sideburns are usually vaginas. and look like women. side-burns are a great addition to any man.
also… you should give one piece another chance.. i think its a really good show… well.. it also depends what arc you are on but i feel like the further you get the better the arcs get
I’ll be shocked if I don’t give One Piece another chance at some point. My best friend from college loves One Piece, and we usually share the same taste in anime. There are parts of the show I really like. It’s the parts where they clown around and do all kinds of stupid shit that keep me from taking the show seriously.
“Progressively manlier from right to left”
The show even lines them up for us. It’s like an evolution chart with Golgo 13 at the very far end of the line.
Adachi knows how to make manly characters. If I had any screenshots of Eijiro Kashiwaba from Touch, he would’ve been at the top of the list:
http://myanimelist.net/character/14125/Eijiro_Kashiwaba/pictures
LOL sideburns post, Baka-raptor? wwwwww
Yes. Sideburns are manly. But sometimes they tend to be TOO manly for me that it turns out to be TOO gay.
Also, beards are more manly. I wouldn’t mind having a beard when I grow up.
Too gay? So you’re fine with regular gay?
Nothing wrong with a beard. You can always upgrade to sideburns.
If you used sideburns your eyes would be too much of intimidated of you to get strained.
Although not an anime review, it is an ok flashback filler. ( because i remember reading something about this topic elsewhere in your site )
This is what I call a foundational post. If there’s a topic I bring up fairly often, like mountain training or robots with feelings, I’ll write a post about it to explain my position. That way I can just link back to the post if anyone ever bitches about it. “Baka-Raptor, what’s so great about sideburns?” Read the post.
Holy shit, I just noticed I have sideburns. I guess that’s why I have been able to insult almost everybody I see and still get away with it…
“Men” without sideburns are insulting themselves. Your words are only reinforcing what they know as the truth.
By this standard, shouldn’t Inuyasha be the manliest off all? you could braid his fuckin sideburns!
This was a great post, because I have sideburns. Had I not had sideburns, I probably would’ve cried from this posts (after all, I’d be a huge pussy). Time to go eat a raw steak and drink a large, dark beer.
Inu Yasha has an unfair advantage since his ears are so high on his head. Everything in front and below counts as sideburns.
I guess I need to stop shaving my sideburns.
And that’s the beauty of sideburns. It’s not something you have to work towards. All you have to do is not shave them.
Excuse me, but Sam from Terra e… had sideburns, and I regard him as a retarded douche bag who–wait, never mind, he fits the criteria of a true man.
Never seen the show, but if you’re talking about this guy, he’s clearly a man’s man by all objective standards and qualifications.
You think X. Drake is something? Franky uses his as weapons.
Franky defines “Speedo Manly.”
I replaced my sideburns with a neckbeard, what does it say about me?
Trick question—nothing can replace sideburns.
http://i40.tinypic.com/axgzmq.jpg
There, I have just made you so much manlier. Thank you.
You’re welcome. I always wondered how I’d look with a pompadour. Better than I expected.
You raised a valid point. I have never think of it this way before. Now I have a measuring stick. Thank you Baka-Raptor. You are a life saver
Close one, I almost trashed this as a spam comment. I don’t think it’s possible to write a more generally applicable comment for this site.
LOL, I think he did just that. Every sentence could have started it’s OWN sentence.(Not a -ception joke)
Keep getting better, Baka-Raptor.
Make me.
So, the magical power of sideburns healed your eyes enough to write another post?
brb growing sideburns
There’s no magic involved. Sideburns are an excellent repository for Vitamins A, C, and E, as well as zinc, copper, and omega-3 fatty acid. If your eyes are deficient, the nutrients slide over.
My hypothesis is that growing a sideburns while training in the mountains results in a multiplicative effect to one’s manliness. Is this true? If so, I am in good hands.
Yes, but it can be canceled out by shaving your sideburns at sea level.
I endorse Sideburn Endorsement Posts.
As much as I love my Sideburns the Shaving them symmetrically part took a real learning curve. I cant remember how long I ran around with crappy sideburns after I ditched the Golgo-Style and went advanced.
Trying too hard to even your sideburns could backfire. At some point you need to settle.
Yammy has sideburns
http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/5/11/633776431949941250-Yammy.jpg
Are you saying that his super sideburns cancel out the fact that he’s shit?
There’s no cancellation, just mitigation. It could be worse: he could be worthless AND look like a girl.
Truer words have not been spoken. It’s a well known fact in character design that if you want to make any character seem more “manly” or “rugged” sideburns will do the trick. Maybe even a little stubble and a wider set jaw.
Whoa, slow down there, one step at a time. Next thing you know, you’ll start expecting men to have above average height and muscle mass.
Cutey Honey also has badass manly sideburns.
But then again, she was the manliest character in Re: Cutey Honey, so it’s pretty much par for the course.
Manly women have manly sideburns.
LOL…wait a minute…this is surprisingly accurate.
What anime is this?
Seirei no Moribito
[…] also started caring more about my appearance, to the point that I’ve considered growing sideburns. Because real men have them, and at this rate I need all the manly validation I can get after […]
I remembered that there is a very famous actor in the Philippines, because of his sideburns and his OverAct action…… Harharhar!
https://www.baka-raptor.com/WorstAnimeChars/hunter/leorio.jpg
I like sideburns because of my older man fetish. Pissy whiny teenage heroes never have sideburns because they can’t handle those manchops of glory!
[…] versucht Kuroda auch, von seinem ganz eigenen Nutzen zu überzeugen. Japp. Real men have sideburns. Sowie auch die Hälfte des […]
My barber cut off my sideburns before I could even realise what’s happening – now I feel like I’ve only got 1 of my balls left. Today I have been robbed of my manhood. This must be the worst day of my life untill now Q.Q
ROFL
I call Bullshit on side burns being more manly than beards, for any man can grow side burns but it takes a true manly man to grow a beard. I’ve had side burns, I do admit that sideburns complement your manliness but only a beard states “I am MAN Fear my Manliness!!!” As an experiment I decided to shave my beard completely off after having it for two years. The results: My chin felt cold and naked as though I needed a sweater for my head to warm my face and to hide the shame of wronging my beard. Have you ever noticed that whenever sideburns connect to your beard it’s still referred to as just a beard? I rest my case… next topic where did all the mustaches go!!!
[…] you’re a pedophile, you could always go for Kazuki, whose sideburns are still […]
0.o I’m asian, and I have long sideburns. In fact, my friend was so jealous that he wanted to cut my sideburns off and take them for himself…
Oh, and I recognize the speedo man. He’s that teach from Toradora right? Lol X)
[…] of manly spear (would benefit from some sideburns) […]
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[…] Hunter was made back in the 80s when it was acceptable for men to have biceps and sideburns. It was a time when men would wear white suits and lean on things for no reason. Men would style […]
Yeah
Gyoshin Ayukawa from the great Tsurikichi Sanpei had some weird sideburns:
https://i.imgur.com/hXXZyKb.jpg