Ranking can be a tedious process. I’m way too lazy to work my way through O(n log n) algorithms. Luckily, the intro sequence saved me the trouble:
#1: Alphard
But Baka-Raptor, you’re not supposed to start with #1! Going in reverse order builds suspense!
No it doesn’t. Leaving the shittiest character for the end builds true suspense. The best character obviously deserves the top spot, and Alphard is boss. I like her as much as humanly possible without loving her.
I know, right? Alphard and I agree about everything.
What sets Alphard apart from other women? Just look at her wardrobe:
It’s hideous—and that’s the point. Alphard doesn’t care about fashion.
A line so manly I had to take a screenshot.
Of course, she’ll dress up when necessary to propagate her malicious schemes.
Alphard sparkles like a star in the sky. She’s even hot enough to be in the same league as Jody Blue-Eyes Hayward.
More proof that Alphard rules:
- Lesbians go crazy for her (literally)
- She only smiles out of amusement, deviousness, or badassery; never happiness or some other pussy emotion
- She has the power to mysteriously disappear when a moving object momentarily passes your line of sight
- Spoiler: She shot her arm off (OH SHIT!)
In sum, Alphard is now the yardstick by which I measure all women.
#1.5: Hakko
Hakko would be the #1 character on almost any other show. I could tell you why, but the shock may be too great if you’re pregnant or diabetic. Don’t read the following blinking yellow line you’ve probably already read if you’re not prepared to have your mind blown.
HAKKO IS A MUTE CHICK VOICED BY MAMIKO NOTO!
It might seem impossible, but it’s true, and it’s unbelievable. First, Mamiko Noto is awesome, in the sense that I’m jealous of the way she makes a living as a highly touted voice actress when she uses the same damn voice for every role. Second, mute women are awesome.
- Shion
- Chane Laforet
- Yuria (she was mute when she first met Kenshiro, which is why he fell in love with her)
There’s nothing sexist about thinking that women are better when they keep their mouths shut. I’m also of the opinion that men who don’t talk (like Golgo 13) are far superior to men who are incapable of shutting up (like Kamina).
On top of the muteness, Hakko is gorgeous, deadly, and vengeful. What more could you want in a character? The only knock some people have on Hakko is the whole necrophilia thing. Honestly, I thought it was kind of romantic. Several years ago, I watched a touching wildlife documentary about an elephant who wouldn’t leave the corpse of her dead calf for days after it died. This was the exact same situation. Hakko’s deviance was driven by emotion, not sexual impulse. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with necrophilia if the corpse is at least 18 years old.
#2: Canaan
Canaan is one of those characters who gets stronger when she has something to protect. Normally this would annoy me, but Canaan is refreshingly unemotional. Even as she begins to discover her feelings, she rarely cries, whines, or mopes, and if she does, she gets right to the point. Throw in some wicked fight scenes and you’ve got a solid—though somewhat bland—lead character.
And she might be a lesbian. Thumbs up.
#4: Natsume
Cool. Mysterious. Knows how to get what she wants. Bonus points for actually looking Japanese. Might be higher up the rankings if she could fight.
#6: Liang Qi
Villainous psycho-lesbians rarely fall this far, especially if they great taste in women. Unfortunately, Liang Qi’s behavior was often incongruous with the tone of the show, and her death scene lasted about five minutes too long. I was also disappointed that she never had a true showdown with Canaan. On the bright side, she did have a showdown with Maria.
#14: Yunyun
Yunyun is the kind of silly, energetic, comic-relief character who rarely fails to annoy me. However, she escapes the title of worst character for three reasons:
- She’s useful once in a while
- She might be using humor to cope with her grief (not a justification for being annoying, but a mitigating excuse)
- At least she’s not Maria
#8,000,000,000: Maria
That’s right, eight-fucking-billion, meaning she’s worse than 6.8 billion actual people and 1.2 billion hypothetical people. Any of these Marias would be more tolerable than this Maria, including Maria Ushiromiya and Maria Robotnik. She’s the reason I dropped this show twice in three episodes. What’s so bad about Maria? She’s only the most annoying character type ever created: the useless optimist.
ANIME DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER USELESS OPTIMIST
If you’re incapable of getting shit done, or worse, if you’re a hindrance to everyone who’s at least marginally capable of improving the situation, nobody wants to hear you preach your “everything’s going to be ok” bullshit.
Shouldn’t I like Maria if she’s a lesbian? Thing is, I sensed no true lesbianism from Maria. She’s just leading Canaan on. Not cool.
She also sucks at being a hostage.
So not only is Maria a shitty-hostage fake-lesbian useless-optimist, she also sucks at photography. She witnesses a massive government conspiracy, yet the best she can do is take two pictures of someone’s face. If I were the director of that art exhibit, I’d throw her ass out the door.
Nice list. Canaan is my number one personally, but whatever. I didn’t really care for Alphard. I hate when a villain nevr wants to let us in on what the fuck is up, and the way she always spared people because they were ‘interesting’ is bullshit. IMO, you have someone who’s a hindrance, fucking KILL them.
Maria has big breasts and Canaan will eventually rape her – more than enough reason for me to like her.
Um, everyone else mentioned that Maria had small breasts.
Maria’s stacked. That’s usually directly correlated with uselessness.
What’s this? digitalboy cares about plot? Never thought I’d see the day.
Let me phrase that better.
If your story has no villain at all, I am fine with it. If your story has a villain who has ulterior motives, that’s cool. If your villain keeps doing bizarre things for no discernable reason, that’s still cool. However, the line is crossed when the villain keeps hinting at the fact that there is a reason for her actions, but never spelling it out, I get pissed. I don’t like suspense, I just want you to tell me what the goddamn shit you are trying to say instead of waiting.
Thank you kind sir. This is amazingly accurate and why I hate Maria. You would also do well to despise Cecily from Seiken no Blacksmith, in fact Cecily is worse. Maria atleast tries to stay out of the way.
I don’t think so =~ atleast Cecily is tsundere and in the 4th epi she managed to defeat someone
Was this before or after she begged Luke to fight? I couldn’t tell after the long ass speech before she attacked with the overpowered weapon.
I’ve been warned to avoid Seiken no Blacksmith like the plague. I have enough hatred to cover the show, but not enough patience.
>Ranking the Women of Canaan
>Women
>#2: Canaan
Canaan isn’t even a woman I tell ya. Also, why put Liang Qi ONLY on the #6 spot. How dare you.
They’re both under 18. That means neither are technically women yet.
Some of the suspense was killed because this post was about the Women of Canaan. Maria, more useless than the character whose power is having an extra appendix, would always make the bottom of the list. And though Alphard is a better character, Hakko is my personal #1. I rate her hotness on the level of the Ark of the Covenant as seen in the first Indiana Jones movie: in 3D she would cause anyone who looked upon her to spontaneously combust. Her higher rating may have to do with the fact that her catsuit melted part of my brain, but I stand firmly behind my choice.
As far as looks go, I rate Hakko way above anyone else on the show, including Alphard. However, keep in mind that attractiveness is only one of many factors in my rankings. One way to think of my rankings is how likely I’d be to donate a kidney to any of the characters. I’d stick it in Alphard before Hakko.
Hakko did have a very nice upper-lip and dem swaggah-tits, definitely 1.5(9) material! =3 Liang Qi would be my top for her fanboy/gurl-ness (and nice stanky-upper-lip).
Also… am I the only one who liked SUGOI?!?! D:
You know, when you see all the SUGOIs compiled into one video, you feel really stupid for missing them the first time around.
Could of sworn there were more SUGOIs throughout the series, but in either case, *FAPFAPAPFAPFPAFPFPPFAPFPAFPAFPAPAPFAPFPPFAPF* SAVED!!! Thx Baka-Raptor :3
You know, there’s no reason to immediately assume that Natsume Yuri can’t fight. She at least knows how to use a pistol and a grenade launcher.
No you wouldn’t, for the exact same reason that the real director didn’t. Maria can do whatever she wants because her father is famous and rich, and probably donated a boat-load of money.
Also Maria can’t afford to take many pictures because she refuses to use a digital SLR.
Was that because it was sexxoring the calf?
Probably not, but if it was, I might’ve been too young to realize it at the time.
You know what pissed me off the most about Maria? When Canaan shot that dude in the sewer, Maria got all freaked out. Canaan just shot some dude who is trying to kill you (sort of) right in front of you….THAT’S AWESOME! WHY WOULD YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT? If some girl did that for me I would be on her like…uhh…something that is always on something else.
My favorite character isn’t even on this list: The Taxi Driver. Finally someone who can drive a car off a bridge without any hesitation at all. He’s my kind of guy, and he’s shown that he knows how to handle the daunting task of being a taxi driver in a busy city. If you ask me, he should have a spinoff.
My bad, if I could do it all over, I’d rank the Taxi Driver as one of the top women of Canaan.
Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….WOMEN.
I tend to ignore important information.
What I learned from the OP: There are hot women, there are hot women with guns, there are journalists, likely useless going by the names of plot device and exposition machine. Also, Canaan is a robot otherwise her hands would melt off while sliding down that midair cable, making her lack of feelings a huge plus.
Your Suzuka (from last post) and Hayward links appear to be broken.
When you put it that way, I begin to understand why so many people were disappointed with the show.
Thanks for reporting the broken links, fucking WordPress is fucking with me.
So what you’re saying is that the attractive women and guns disappear from the show? Man that’s disappointing.
Maria is more like a piece of baggage than a character, therefore she doesn’t even deserve to be on this list.
Exactly. The only reason Canaan isn’t protecting a sack of rocks is because Maria looks better.
Personally I like Canaan the most. White hair and (occasionally) red eyes, combined with gun violence, that’s the kind of shit I go for.
Agreed, mystic eyes are an undeniable turn-on.
I don’t think that’s a fair comparison. I’ve seen bags take much better pictures.
Where’s the idol?
Also, fuck yeah Eisenach. *fingersnap*
Oh right, she existed, didn’t she. Stick her wherever you want between 6 and 14.
I don’t care about the list because I have yet to see Canaan but I just have to say something. This quote right here: “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with necrophilia if the corpse is at least 18 years old” is made of win.
Thank you very much, I take a lot of pride in my necrophilia jokes.
Holy crap, you have a picture of Ernst von Eisenach up there?! Could you possibly be my long lost soul brother who also watch the Legend of Galactic Heros?!!
It was the first review I wrote after selling out.
Good thing you liked my Canaan. My bride deserves to be loved by most men.
Personally I would’ve liked Liang Qi more if she had a fight with my bride, but meh. Also, thumbs up for crazy-lesbian-sadistic-masochist.
Anyone who beats up Maria is an ally of mine. Saves me the trouble of beating her myself.
Wow, so Alphard is pretty much a dude who just happens to look like a hott chick. In fact, she’s pretty much like you as a girl, Baka-Raptor. From these facts, I conclude two things about you:
1. You’re gay
2. You’re narcissistic
It’s ok – if I were as awesome as you, I’d be in love with myself, too.
I admit it, if a female version of myself were to magically appear before me, I’d be all over her, and she’d be all over me, and we’d have wild threesomes with hot bi-curious women.
Gotta say though, despite my terrible fashion sense, I’d still know better than to wear suspenders with a tube top and a trench coat.
That’s not how it worked out in that episode of Seinfeld.
1) Alphard – You ever get the feeling she got tired and bored and couldn’t care anymore about the plot by the end. I can relate to her there.
2) Liang Qi – I dig crazy anime bitches. It’s that simple.
3) Canaan – She moped around a bit too much, but she’s a hot fighting chick with Type-Moon magic eyes.
4) Natsume – Ms. Cool and Mysterious might have ranked higher if she appeared in the show for more than 10 seconds at a time.
5) Yunyun – Annoying, yes, but also a bit of a realist, which helps make up for it.
6) Hakko – What genius decided to have Mamiko Noto voice the freaking mute!? Seriously.
Just no…) Maria – What you said. Her character has to be the worst anime cliche ever. Naivety is one thing. This is something else, something far more sinister.
1) We all know Alphard would’ve won if she really felt like it.
2) And she’s a lesbian. You can’t stress that part enough.
3) Mystic Eyes. The phrase is Mystic Eyes.
4) Although she didn’t get much time, she made good use of it by pointing a gun at Maria.
5) Well, she does have a boat house, which is pretty fucking awesome.
6) My words exactly, without the sarcasm.
Just no…) Sugoi
Agree with the rankings. I like Liang Qi though. Villainous psycho-lesbians are always nice, no exceptions.
Also, “there’s nothing wrong with necrophilia if the corpse is at least 18 years old”
Does that refer to the age of the person who died? Or to how long the corpse has been dead? Or a combination of both? Because I see a potential loophole for pedophiles. ^ ^
Both
I like her character. Sometimes she just feels out of place with the show.
“especially if they great taste in women.”
You entire coke?
I think I’m going to Canaan now.
I shall assume from your incomprehensible comment that the line about Hakko did in fact blow your mind.
SUGOI!
Alphard is definately number 1 but I wouldnt put Canaan in place #2.She was too annoying with her I have something to protect bullshit.Atleast she has tits what ranks her anove the average shounen character.
Havent got any problems with necrophilia as long as the body is still warm
I understand, but who would you give the #2 spot instead of Canaan?
Damn!You just got me there.Looking at the avaiable females of the show shes actually a quite strong contender for the second place.Liang Qi is,while I do like her,youre average psychotic lesbian bitch without a true personality besides abusive behavior.Natsumes personality isnt enough explored for me to give a rating.
YunYun is your average comic relief Character…Maria is…Sugoi
I guess Hakko ranks second and third is Canaan due to lack of serious contenders
What the!? Liang Qi is only #6!?!?
How is she a 6??? She’s a psycho lesbian! That’s the best kind of psycho! And also the best kind of lesbian.
I’m not the one who put her at #6; the intro did. Blame the intro.
I liked Yun-Yun, the only thing I didn’t like about her, was that she saved Maria.
I was hoping she only saved Maria so she could rape her, like Krauser saving the punk band chick. That’d push her up in the rankings.
This was what made Gundam 00 only good. It had a lot of Saji and Marina, two useless optimists who, in the end, didn’t really develop in any manner. A brick wall can have tons of development compared to them, that’s how crappy these characters were. Anime does not need another useless optimist, I agree.
Good thing I haven’t seen Gundam 00. And thanks to you I never will.
It’s only 30% useless optimism, the rest is composed of explosions and terrible battle strategies with a hint of modern political commentary.
I thought Baka-Raptor didn’t like rankings:
“These flawed stats end up having no absolute meaning, so they’re only used for relative comparison a.k.a. ranking, a total waste of time.” – Baka-Raptor
So according to this, can this post be considered
a waste of timefiller ?I only wrote a rankings post because the intro already did the rankings for me. Otherwise it would’ve been a complete waste of time, for me.
Are you gonna rank the women of some mainstream anime just so you can show the fanboys what’s up in your next post?
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
Fuck, now I’m gonna have to watch Cannan, aren’t I?
Yes, if for no other reason than to judge my taste in women.
Regarding your poll (as this is the newest post): All those games suck, play the best game ever instead. (God Hand)
That is the most convincing argument I have ever heard. God Hand has been added to the poll.
Hey, BR, when are you gonna watch Cromartie High? Considering your against the pedophile moe shit I would have thought you’d watch one of the only true comedy MANime.
It sounds interesting, but it’s all licensed and costs money and stuff. For now I’m keeping the name in mind and I’ll pounce when the opportunity arises.
[…] Black Lagoon, who is awesome, and is voiced by SAKAMOTO Maaya 3. The OP sequence’s ranking as interpreted by Baka-Raptor. 4. The ED theme was sung by Annabel, one of my favourite doujin […]
Good call on the Noto thing. She’s probably the only person who has pulled off an entire career voicing the same character over and over. Hell, even Takehito Koyasu sounds vaguely different from time to time.
I would have rated Canaan 1st until the last episode when Alphard really shows off her back muscles…. 😡
By the way Maria I would rank 7,999,999 if only because of her PORN STAR NAME.
I don’t like my women buff or anything, but I’ll say this without any reservation: muscle tone is hot.
Are you talking about Maria Ozawa? Excuse me while I do some further research…
Maria should be infinity +1. The +1 is for that SUGOI idiot hair. Seriously, how many stupid cliches can one character be stuffed with?
I do agree with Alphard being #1 though. Her very presence dwarfed Maria’s stupidity enough to make the show watchable.
Alphard didn’t get any serious screen time until episode 4. Meanwhile, Maria was all over the first three episodes. No wonder I dropped the show twice in three episodes.
>Meanwhile, Maria was all over the first three episodes.
I get it now. Maria is the anthropomorphic representation of a STD. Clearly Alphard is the hero here for trying to save Canaan from an unpleasant fate.
Alphard : Manliest than most man, it’s the baddest character I’ve saw in the anime I’ve watched. Don’t know why, but all the show I watch, guy’s look like pussy, act like pussy, are pussy. And women steal the show : Canaan, Blood+, Black Lagoon, Ga-Rei Zero… Exception : Kurono in Gantz… That guy was awesome…
Hakko : She can kill people by SPEAKING. That’s like, you can’t beat that. If she would have recoil at least, but no, she isn’t affected by her voice. Yeah, sure, you have limited social capaticities, but who cares?
Canaan : Totally didn’t watch the show for her, I must say, but she’s still badass. They try to much to make her a killer with deep emotions, a hard past. No. She’s supposed to be a violent, sociopath killer, she was grown like that, without love. But still, the “guy-I-can’t-remember-the-name-at-the-moment” was her light, and Maria is her new light, but she can’t lose her light again… Shut the fuck up and kill someone bitch!
Natsume : She’s hot. Would’ve need more coverage.
Liang Qi : My favorite character. The showdown she has with Alphard at episode 11, followed by her death, was I think the stronger moment I’ve personally saw up to date. At the end of my seat, I was telling myself “This can’t be true, this can’t be true…” Well, know I have much more to see, but I like it. And she’s a true bitch, I mean, a REAL one.
Yunyun : Bitch. But the annoying kind. Annoying bitch. We all know.
Maria : Bitch. But the useless kind. Useless bitch. We all know.
The taxi driver, liked Glo said, should have been here. Sometimes, I get the feeling he was the character with the highest potential. But he ended up only as a recurring random one. Not enough time for him to achieve celebrity, badly.
Well said.
Some girls still complain that there aren’t enough awesome women in anime. It’s ridiculous, especially when you consider how few awesome men there are nowadays. But noooo, this is all part of the patriarchal conspiracy to keep women down. Total crap.
Muteness can come in handy. You won’t have to talk to anyone, and nobody will think you’re a jerk for it.
Canaan ranked high for her action. Her side story didn’t really capture my interest, but damn, the girl can fight.
Liang Qi is cool as an individual character. I just didn’t like the way she was often sillier or more dramatic than the mood of the show at certain points. If the show had gone about her role a little differently, she could be as high as #1.2.
Feminism will kill anime, cause feminism is the same thing that male chauvinism.
Can’t they find something in the middle?
Just curious but have you watched Black Lagoon?
I’m going to guess that you haven’t because Ive never seen you mention it.
Black lagoon = canaan – maria + pirates (the modern kind with guns) + awesome animation/atmosphere – supernatural powers
and if you like Alphard you’ll love Revy, and Revy gets a lot more screen time.
actually on second thought you might like Balalaika even more then revy. shes the ruthless leader of “Hotel Moscow”
(a Russian criminal organization)…and in one episode shes editing porn while making business arrangements, just because.
Sold. Will watch it. Don’t know when, but I will.
Maria Ushiromiya >>> Maria from Canaan.
Damn annoying bitch. >_>
[…] This is the best fucking joke in the universe. Get it, universe?! Because this is an H-R diagram, which has stars, gigantic orbs of gas spread throughout the universe! But I digress. […]