The following emails are real and completely unedited, except the parts I very obviously edited.
Hello Baka-Raptor,
Question A (Anime):
Let’s say that Negishi from DMC became a pussy again and stopped being Krauser. Later, you were I was assigned the task to devour him and become Krauser. As we all know, dinosaurs I have the ability to become the thing they I eat and even assimilate their personalities. So after you I finally eat Negishi and transformed into Krauser, you were I was given the task to show how demonic you are I am by going into 10 Anime charactre’s home and raping them up the butt and if they’re a women, also up the vagina. What 10 Anime characters would you should I barge into to rape to become your my sex slave? (Question edited to be in advice format)
Piece of cake:
Jody “Blue Eyes” Hayward is so hot that she belongs in the upper-left quadrant of an H-R diagram. Instead, she got stuck in the worst lesbian anime I’ve ever seen.
Takano Miyo satisfies the nurse requirement, the yandere requirement, and the cheetah print requirement. Plus she sleeps naked.
Combat Instructor Allean is the only character who wasn’t gratuitously stripped in the first season of Queen’s Blade. I know you’re raping to show how demonic you are, but once in a while it’s ok to rape in the name of justice.
Selvaria Bles is 100% obedient and 200% stacked.
Rosa Ushiromiya‘s child-rearing is the most arousing thing I’ve seen this season.
Kiyone Makibi takes out all her frustration in bed.
Yamanaka Sawako will rape you if you don’t rape her first (unless you come across her during the 95% of the K-ON she spends being a useless pedophile).
Halibel must not be raped until she kills Hitsugaya. Afterwards you may search for her not-yet-revealed hollow hole.
Fubuki is a maid. Everybody ought to have a maid.
Rider is good.
I recommended these 10 characters under the assumption that you’re a male. If you’re a female, feel free to replace any of the above characters with Shizuru.
Question L (Life):
So at school, I had to do this project where me and a partner had to do a skit. Blatantly put, my partner was a girl.
Wow, that was blatant.
Let’s call her Miya. Miya acted like one of those pussies who are shy like in Anime, but I knew that deep down every women are shrews. So pretty much for the first two to three days we were talking about what quote to use for the skit. To me, these talks were just talks. To Miya, it was an argument to see who has the better quote. So on the fourth day, she went into shrew mode and well, didn’t want to do any team work. Every time I tried to talk to her she went into “sad” mode or angry mode. Sad mode included fake-crying. When she was talking to someone else, though, she was perfectly fine – no sadness or anger. She was happy to talk with others, really.
What would a dinosaur do to better the tensions? As for me, I had to agree to everything Miya said so that the “shrew mode” would appear less frequently, but still appear. Didn’t work out well, really. Joking around didn’t help either. Hell, I almost felt like not being a nice guy.
Do you live in a country where four male witnesses are required to prove a man guilty of rape? If so, the solution is pretty simple. Remember, it’s not wrong if it’s legal. However, I’m guessing you’ve already considered that and wrote to me because you can’t get away it, or she’s ugly. In such cases you must resort to mathematical rape: Game Theory. Your problem reminds me of the Beer-Quiche Game (but to continue with the DMC theme we’ll call it the Beer-Cheese Tart Game).
In the Beer-Cheese Tart Game, there are two types of men: strong men (Krauser) and weak men (Negishi). Most strong men like beer, and most weak men like cheese tarts. Women love to quarrel with weak men but hate to quarrel with strong men, so before a woman decides to quarrel, she checks out what a man has with his lunch. If the man is drinking beer, the woman will probably think he’s strong. If the man is eating a cheese tart, the woman will probably think he’s weak. This may lead weak men to drink beer, even if they hate it, to avoid quarreling.
Miya pretended to be shy at first because she was trying to determine whether you’re strong or weak. Somewhere along the line you screwed up and ate the metaphorical cheese tart. You now face an uphill battle to reassert your manhood. The only way a man can win the Beer-Cheese Tart game is by convincing the woman that he’s strong. First thing tomorrow morning, punch Miya in the back of the head.
No more Mr. Nice Guy. Make it clear to Miya that you won’t take her shit anymore. When she fights, fight back so hard that she regrets it; don’t reward her by giving in. If that doesn’t work (because you screwed up, not because it’s bad advice), tell her you read Baka-Raptor.com. She’ll immediately know her place.
Dear Onani Master Baka-Raptor
Life question first (although anime is life): A bunch of seniors at my workplace took a bunch of us out to lunch to celebrate a co-worker’s upcoming wedding. Everyone got a beer except me. I chose not to drink any beer because because alcohol carries the distinct taste of fermented pedophilia. Instead, I carefully considered the menu and ordered what appeared to be the tastiest drink: a strawberry milkshake. It was delicious. My only regret is that many of my seniors seemed disappointed in my selection. Bearing in mind that I’m only an intern and need to win my seniors’ approval to get a full-time job offer, should I have gone with the beer?
While Goku would agree that many drinks are superior in taste to alcohol, it’s also true that the lunch was to celebrate your co-worker’s upcoming wedding. Did he seem to mind your choice of beverage? If so, you should’ve sucked it up and gone with the beer. If not, you’re free to drink whatever the hell you want. Live your life untamed.
I’m reminded of the Beer-Quiche Game (but for the sake of continuity, let’s call it the Beer-Strawberry Milkshake Game). There are two types of men, strong and weak, and there are two types of drinks, beer and strawberry milkshakes. The drink a man chooses is a signal of his strength. However, it is not determinative of his strength, as some strong men do prefer strawberries.
Whereas a weak man would get the beer to avoid conflict, the occasional strong man who likes strawberry milkshakes would get the strawberry milkshake knowing he’s tough enough to handle the ensuing conflict. I’m sure your seniors were impressed with the ballsiness it took to order a strawberry milkshake when you could’ve ordered a much less conspicuous non-alcoholic drink. In any case, a company that won’t hire you based on your beverage preference isn’t a place you want to work.
Anime question:
There are several series I’ve been meaning to rewatch for a long time. However, there’s so much anime I haven’t seen that I always end up picking a new series over a personal classic, no matter how much the new series may suck in comparison. Under what circumstances should I rewatch a classic at the expense of broadening my horizons and possibly discovering a new favorite?
Yours Truly,
Baka-Raptor
Well, Baka-Raptor, you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. For now, just keep watching the new stuff. Eventually you’ll get fed up with the current state of anime and long for the good old days. Then you’ll go back to the good old days, realize they weren’t so great, and return to watching crappy new stuff. You might not enjoy it, but at least watching anime in cycles of bitterness and dissatisfaction will give you plenty to write about.
Any comment from a non-asker must include advice for at least one of the above questions. Any comment that does not will be censored.