Are you a pussy? You won't be if you follow these simple rules:
Rule #5: Wash all your clothes on Regular/Heavy (Cross-listed as The Slacker's Code Rule #7)
Worried about all that hot water and normal agitation damaging your clothes? You should be, if you're a pussy. Any clothes that can't survive in a washing maching wouldn't last a second on me, because I'm hotter and more agitated than any washing machine. Real men only wear durable all-purpose clothes, such as jeans and free t-shirts. They never have to worry about their clothes getting damaged, because jeans are indestructible, and free t-shirts are free.
Rule #4: When your professor offers you candy during a final exam, take it.
The CMU School of Computer Science has a tradition of distributing candy during final exams. If you think it's a worthless gesture that'll only distract students and make them fat, you're a pussy, just like everybody else in my algorithms class. Halfway through the test, the professor put two boxes of candy on a desk and announced that anybody could get up and take some. I was the only one with the balls to do so in a class of at least 40 students.
It was the worst decision I've ever made in my life. As I walked to the front of the room, everybody was staring at me. It was embarrassing, and it hurt my feelings. I was so distraught that I couldn't concentrate and failed the test. The candy wasn't even that good. When I stepped outside after the exam, I saw a little girl frolicking, but I couldn't bring myself to kick her ass.
Everything in the previous paragraph is a lie.
Rule #3: Eat the Chicken Basil, not the Chicken Teriyaki
Yesterday I was ordering the Chicken Basil at a Thai food truck, when the cook asked the guy behind me (henceforth referred to as Captain Pussy) if he also wanted the Chicken Basil. Captain Pussy responded by saying, "Oh no, definitely not! I'm too much of a pussy!". Then he stood by his words by ordering the Chicken Teriyaki. The cook proceeded to mutter something in Thai. I'm not entirely fluent in the language, but I deduced that he wanted me to knee Captain Pussy in the groin. I gladly complied, but the impact was nullified by Captain Pussy's special power of having no testicles.
The best $5 I ever spent.
See all those red peppers? According to the latest medical research, they're good for your balls. Chicken Teriyaki, on the other hand, is a meat so effeminate that it's practically a vegetable. First you marinate chicken in a sweet soy sauce. Then you broil it. Finally, you add icing, rainbow sprinkles, and play hopscotch.
Chicken Teriyaki is only on the menu because it's financially imperative for any ethnic food vendor to sell out his culture and water down traditional dishes in order to attract all the whimps in America who can't handle spicy foods. Stop buying that bullshit and eat the Chicken Basil.
Rule #2: Don't bitch about being lonely
Feeling lonely? That's because you're a pussy. What's the matter, nobody's around to buy you a maxi pad?
Rule #1: Pick up flyers
Whenever somebody's handing out flyers, you can count on a bunch of pussies changing direction, staring into space, or doing some other stupid bullshit to avoid picking one up. What's the point? Are you idiots afraid of human contact, reading a piece of paper, or carrying it until you reach a trash can?
If you really don't want a flyer, all you have to do is say "no", but you're too much of a pussy to do that. You'd much rather bury your head in sand and hope the person doesn't try to talk to you. Do you really think he's going to disappear if you just avoid eye contact and walk around him? Do you think you don't look like a jackass?
To see just how stupid you look, watch this video of Ghetto handing out blank flyers:
Ghetto's original idea was to wear a hat with a hidden camera, but he couldn't find one large enough to fit on his colossal head.