The Dominion of Baka-Raptor

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What now, bitches? Not only have I gone international, but my presence is so ubiquitous that I'm even discovering unknown countries. Henceforth, this unclaimed territory shall be known as "The Dominion of Baka-Raptor" (DoBaR). I hereby proclaim myself the first Rex of DoBaR, Baka-Raptor the Tyrannous. I've even written a bill of rights for you ungrateful peasants:

Amendment I:

Freedom of Religion: I shall pass no law prohibiting the free exercise of any religion, except scientology. There's no way I'd let those bastards ruin your life before I do.
Free Press: You can publish whatever you want after I deport your ass for libel.
Right to Peaceful Assembly: Without a crowd to massacre, my hounds would get bored.
Right to Petition: I burn petitions as incense. Ahhh...nothing beats the aroma of incinerated ambition.
Free Speech: Wash your neck -- I don't want to scuff up my guillotine.

Amendment II: The Right to Bear Arms

I have the right to bear arms. You don't. Oppressing the masses is so much easier when they can't fight back.

Amendment III: Quartering of Soldiers

You should be glad to support the troops, unless you're a terrorist.

Amendment IV: Search and Seizure

I own everything, so I can search and seize whenever I want. That includes body cavity searches; I own you too.

Amendment V: Due Process of Law

Due process is slow and boring. If you want due process, then prove that you're not wasting my time by sending me a 1000 page essay on why you deserve it. Hint: If you really want to impress me, you'll write it in your own blood.

Amendment VI: Right to a Speedy Trial, Confrontation of Accusers

If your accuser is too much of a pussy to show up, he'll be hunted down and burnt at the stake. Otherwise, you'll have to tell me why you're innocent without using the letter 'e'. If you mess up or fail to make a compelling case, you're going straight to the gulag.

Amendment VII: Trial by Jury in Civil Cases

Don't bother me with your frivolous lawsuits. If two people have a civil matter to settle, they can be their own judge and jury. Pistols at dawn should get the job done.

Amendment VIII: Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Punishment has to be cruel, otherwise it's not punishment. Take a look at all the bullshit in modern prisons. Inmates are afforded the luxuries of athletic facilities, internet access, and beds. In my prisons you'd be lucky to have a pile of hay to sleep on. Instead of having prisoners sit on their asses all day, I'd have them turn a giant wheel to power the nation.

Some dumbass decided to build a Greyhound station right next to the Allegheny County Prison. The two compounds are currently separated by a small fence. That's right, the only thing preventing convicts from stepping onto a bus and leaving the state is a shitty chain link fence. The setup is so messed up that Ghetto accidentally trespassed onto prison property while trying to find the entrance to the station. The fact that the prisoners still haven't escaped is a testament to how cushy their life is.

Amendment IX: Enumeration of Rights

The enumeration of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by me.

Amendment X: Delegation of Powers

All powers are delegated to me. I am my own check and balance. Any attempt to usurp my power will land you in the snake pit.

UPDATE: It looks like DoBaR is already getting more respect than Canada:

Note: This page makes a lot more sense if you've read and appreciate the most brilliant document ever written, the United States Constitution.

2642 hippies and neocons turned libertarian upon reading my poignant satire