You know what's clever? When attention whores try to give their vapid lives meaning by recycling the "If this group reaches n members, noun will verb" paradigm to get people to join their Facebook groups. It never gets old. So what if they're the third tier of unoriginality, ripping off "If this group reaches 100,000 members, my girlfriend will have a threesome", which ripped off of helpwinmybet.com? I never get tired of hearing shallow losers bitch about trivial problems that can't be solved unless the support of random strangers reaches an arbitrary threshold. That's why I'm getting in on the action with my latest offer:
In case you're wondering how this is any different from my pyramid scheme, it's exactly the same. See? Unoriginality kicks almost as much ass as I do. Oops, I almost forgot that these things come with deadlines. I'll give you one week to cower in fear before my policy takes effect. If you've ever read The Tartan however, you can relax � a roundhouse to the coccyx is a lot less painful.
When The Tartan, CMU's student newspaper, isn't embroiled in debt and scandals, it's publishing inane crap that nobody cares about. Earlier this week I was minding my own business outside the University Center when I was approached by a reporter from The Tartan. Our conversation went something like this:
Reporter: Can I ask you a question?
Me: You already did, jackass.
Reporter: LOL
Me: Shut the fuck up.
Reporter: What's your favorite Facebook group?
Me: They all suck.
Reporter: C'mon, haven't you joined any interesting groups lately?
Me: ...
Reporter: Anything?
Me: Put me down for
"If this group reaches 100,000 members, my girlfriend will have a threesome" and get out of my face.
Reporter: Haha, that's awesome! Thanks!
During the "...", I realized that even if I didn't find anything remotely clever about the threesome group, having it's title appear in quotes under my picture could be taken out of context with hilarious consequences, so I went with it.
Yesterday, I thought I'd be opening the first issue of The Tartan that didn't suck. I was wrong:
What a load of bullshit:
"A PERSON's OPINION": As opposed to what, jackass? A Plant's Opinion? Clever formatting by the way.
"Ever since that kid used a Facebook group to advance his sexual career, we've been wondering": The chick who interviewed me clearly didn't know the group existed. Either she wasn't included in "we", or you're all lying douchebags.
"Ironically Tragic, Steve Irwin Didn't Die By Crocodile": There are over 500 "Stever Irwin is dead" groups that say the exact same thing. We get it already, the Crocodile Hunter got killed by a stingray, not a crocodile. Hilarious.
"Damn I Wish I Were a Pirate": This group looked stupid until I realized it said "Damn" at the beginning. That makes it funny, just like every group that gratuitously adds "Bitch" to the end. I'd expect nothing less from a Creative Writing major.
"Learn to Pronounce My Last Name": Yawn.
"Excessive Masturbators": We could tell without the quote.
"I Shower Naked": This is a response to the 500+ "I verb naked" groups. Now do you get why I said that all Facebook groups suck?
This is stupid. I'm going to go grab a copy of the readme.